Starry Eyed Inside Read online

  "Did you find your car keys or something?" I asked, rubbing my eyes.

  "Rocco felt bad for me," he said, easing into my room. Closing the window, he turned to look at me. "He drove."

  "Where is he?"

  "Down the street. I have thirty minutes."

  We stared at each other in the dark. "Thirty minutes to do what?"

  "To... be with you." He pulled his shirt off and reached for me. I let him take mine off too, and then we kissed, pressing our bodies together. My bed was a warm mess of blankets, and we fell into it, making out, mouths and hands and bodies. It felt so familiar and so good; I'd never get enough of how Skyler made me feel.

  He slipped his fingers into my underwear, making me gasp and groan into his shoulder. "I'll miss you," I whispered.

  Suddenly his hand was gone. "I want you so bad, Rory, but there's no time."

  "I don't want to do it like this," I said, even though I kind of did.

  "I know," he said.

  "I wanted you to be my first."

  "I know.” He kissed my eyelids, my ears, my nose and my mouth; rocking against me until we melted, first me and then him, groans muffled by messy, wet kisses.

  Rocco texted seconds later: it was time to go. We kissed again, frantically. Rocco texted again.

  Skyler got dressed and kissed me, opened the window and kissed me, and then slipped back out the way he came. Again, and for the last time. I wanted to say goodbye again but I couldn't, my throat salty and thick with tears.

  Skyler jogged soundlessly across the grass, disappearing into the dark like always, except this was nothing like always. Shaking, I closed the window, cold from the inside out. Skyler had left his baseball cap on my bed. I sat down and held it to my face. It smelled like him, of course.

  I'd never cried so hard.

  We talked a couple of times after that. On Saturday, he texted to say he was boarding his plane, and I texted back to wish him a safe flight.

  That night, Niki and I slept over at Teigan's. I finally told them everything I'd been feeling, but neither of them seemed too surprised. They'd known me most of my life. We did the pizza and movies thing, and then the ice cream and munchies thing, but nothing really helped; all I wanted to do was cry.

  “Damn it, Rory,” Teigan said, stroking my hair as I sniffled into her pillow. Fumbling around her dresser, she procured a joint she'd probably been saving for something like this. We smoked on the balcony until everything was fluffy, and then a little more, until everything was funny.

  I found it ironic that the same crap Skyler had gotten in trouble for was the very thing to soothe my broken heart, for a minute anyway.

  As May ended, so did the school year. I was glad to be done with it, but I couldn't shake the gloomy prospect of a loveless summer. This was supposed to be the most amazing one of my life so far, and now it was going to suck.

  Still, Skyler and I were better at keeping in touch than I thought we'd be. We sent Snaps and texts at all hours, and sometimes he called late at night, or if his Uncle Aiden let him. He was busy, but so was I, and it was okay at first. Like we were in this thing together, despite the miles between us.

  “Have you done anything fun yet?” It was half past two, and I was pacing my room to stay awake. “Have you gone to the city?”

  “Nah. I have no life here.” He paused, clearing his throat. “I'm starting to think even school is better than this shit.”

  “Even military school?”

  “Even that.”

  And then one night, I realized he hadn't opened my last Snap. It had been a day. Worried, I messaged him, and he responded, but things were changing. Skyler wasn't just a guy I liked, he'd become one of my closest friends, and I was used to talking him all the time. Now days passed between texts, and when he called, he was usually sleepy. Aiden had him working long hours, helping him renovate the house he'd bought.

  Meanwhile, my parents had signed me up for driver's ed. Dad wanted me to get a job so I could help finance the car I'd be driving sophomore year. He'd promised to get me something, but I had to pay to keep it.

  "Gas ain't cheap, Aurora," Dad liked to say. "Might as well start saving up now."

  After filling out applications all over Martin County, I managed to land a part time job at the Imaginarium, a huge bookstore on US 1. It wasn't too far from my house, and I loved to read, so I was pretty psyched. My shifts were filled with stocking and pricing books but, if things worked out, my manager said I'd probably be on cash register in a couple of months. Either way, I liked it. The customers and constant busy work gave me something to do besides pine over Skyler.

  It was amazing how things could change in a matter of weeks. Skyler was gone, and I was working. Niki had left to attend Interlochen's Summer Arts Camp in Michigan. Teigan didn't have to work, but she got so bored without Niki and me that she ended up part-timing at her step-dad's office.

  During the summer, it rains almost every day in Florida. Sometimes it's a quick shower, and other times it lasts for hours. I liked the rain, liked watching the storms brew over the horizon, turning the blue sky gray. I'd sit in the warm sand until rain drops dotted my journal, like the sky was crying with me. It was good. Cathartic. Incessant sunshine didn't mesh well with my emotions anyway.

  Because I got used to Skyler being gone, but I never really got over him.

  Signs

  The sun scorched down, ruthlessly hot. Drops of sweat beaded across my chest, sliding down between my breasts as I shifted. Tired of feeling the blaze on my face, I rolled onto my side.

  I heard the crisp sound of pages being folded. "Wanna go back in?" asked Niki.

  "Yeah," I croaked, opening my eyes. A lilting breeze blew by, doing nothing to cool us off.

  It was mid-August, and summer had just hit sweltering. Fun when you're at the beach, annoying when you're anywhere else.

  "C'mon, let's go."

  Adjusting my bikini bottoms, I joined Niki as she walked down to the water's edge, careful to avoid children building sandcastles and their mothers collecting shells. A storm was making its way up the Atlantic, stirring up the sea and creating fat, rolling swells. Rocco, Kai and the others had been surfing since late morning, taking advantage of the waves.

  I eased into the tepid water, relieved to be out of the sticky-hot. Niki floated beside me, her newly-bobbed hair slicked back from her face. She'd come back from Michigan with it like that.

  "You're so much darker than me," she complained, smiling lazily as she lay back.

  "Yeah, well. Not much to do but work and tan," I said.

  "Yeah, such a small town." If rolling your eyes had a voice, that was Niki's tone right then.

  I splashed at her, earning a smile. "I know we're not, like, in the sticks... I'm just saying. You know how boring Jensen gets."

  "It'll be different when we can drive."

  "Can't wait," I said. I'd gotten my permit over the summer, not that it mattered; I wasn't allowed to drive until I turned sixteen and had a license. "How much you wanna bet Teigan's getting a brand new ride?"

  "I don't wanna bet," chuckled Niki, squinting up at our towels. Teigan was still there, slathering sunscreen all over her body. "And anyway, isn't Will getting you a car? You can't even talk."

  "Let's just hope it isn't a total piece of crap," I said.

  "At least you'll have wheels, loca," Niki said. "I'll be lucky if I can drive the Caprice Classic."

  "I love that car." I laughed. "It has party potential."

  "Yeah, right... maybe if Javi hooks up the sound system or something."

  Now that was a ridiculous thought. We were still chortling about it when Rocco floated up, his arms floating languidly on either side of the board. “Sup?"

  "Hey, Rocco," I said, ignoring the pang in my chest. As much as we hung out—and we had, all summer—they still reminded me of Skyler sometimes. Always.

  "You're coming out tonight, right?" he asked, paddling to stay in place.

  "Of course...
wouldn't miss it," I said.

  It was Rocco's last night; he was leaving to go to college down in Miami. It was close enough that he could visit whenever, but again, things were changing. I didn't know how to feel about losing him, too. Even Teigan, who was cool as a cucumber about everything, had been shaky lately.

  At least they'd get to see each other sometimes, though. It wasn't like he was moving away to, say, New York.

  Niki nodded toward the sand. "You're picking Teigan up tonight, right?"

  Rocco turned his gaze toward Teigan, who was watching him from our blanket. "Yup." Without another word, he swam to shore, dropping his board and sitting next to her on my towel.

  "Great. Now my towel's soaked," I muttered to Niki, but I didn't really care. I knew how Teigan felt. It wasn't like I'd moped around for the past few months. I mean, I'd had my rough days, my crying jags. I'd had nights where I'd chosen watching COPS with my dad instead of hanging out with the group, and Sundays I'd convinced Teigan to stay in with me and eat ice cream all day. She'd even downloaded a breakup playlist onto my phone, to "get me though the lonely nights."

  "Mariah's perfect to listen to when you feel like this,” she'd said. “Girlfriend knows heartbreak.”

  I wasn't as big a fan of Mariah Carey as Teigan was, but then again, she'd always had a slight flare for the dramatic. "How many of her songs did you put on there?"

  "Shut up, just three. The Trifecta."

  I'd never tell her, but she was right: no one spoke heartbreak as well as Mariah. As I'd predicted, the correspondence between Skyler and me had grown more and more sporadic. I was lucky if I even heard from him once a week. It wasn't even like I could blame him or take responsibility myself. It just...happened. He texted me once when he got a new phone number, but after I responded to him, that was it.

  He hardly updated his Instagram; I knew because I checked it whenever I checked mine.

  I knew that if he miraculously showed up on my doorstep, or at my bedroom window, I'd take him in, no questions. But he wasn't coming back. Not anytime soon, anyway.

  And maybe it was better that way. Maybe it was better, if I couldn't have him, to not have to see him at all.

  Niki came out of my bathroom in a cloud of steam and perfume. "Oh, thank God."

  "What?" I glanced briefly at her in my mirror's reflection as I applied mascara.

  "I thought you were listening to Teigan's playlist again."

  "No," I huffed, turning down the volume. "I'm not."

  She rang her fingers through her hair, fluffing it. "Good."

  "Cut me some slack. You have Finn. I have memories and...a baseball cap."

  "So are you going to wait for him?"

  “What do you mean?” I swiped lip gloss on and smacked my lips. "He doesn't want me to wait for him."

  I braced for Niki's reaction. We hadn't had much quality one-on-one since she'd gotten back, and while I'd had Teigan to talk to, I valued Niki's thoughts.

  "He said that?"

  I nodded, holding up my phone. "In so many words. He said it wasn't fair to either of us."

  Niki frowned, zipping her jeans. "That's either very mature of him or very bullshitty."

  I tossed my phone into my purse. "Well, whatever."

  "Do you agree with him?"

  Good question. Did I? My heart wasn't sure, but my mind could acknowledge that Skyler had just been keeping it real. Maybe maintaining a long-distance relationship was just too hard. Still, it was my heart that seemed to be running the show. Regardless of how logical our decision had been, it still hurt.

  "I think so," I said eventually. "I don't want to sit here pining, wondering if he's with other girls. I mean...I still think about it, but it's not like I have to trip over him being unfaithful or whatever. I don't know. It makes it a little easier to just...move on." Except I hadn't, really. Not as much as I'd have liked to.

  "That's true," Niki said, sitting beside me on the bed. "And you're definitely not as bad as you were in the beginning of summer, before I left."

  "It helped having someone to vent to," I said, poking her leg. Niki had been the recipient of many an anguished letter while she was away, and she'd responded to every one of them. As much as I cherished my journal, it couldn't talk back to me.

  She grinned, glancing down at her phone as it chirped. "Finn's almost here."

  Rocco's going away party was at the beach, one of the same ones we'd frequented over the summer. Thankfully, it was far enough in the cut that police harassment was minimal. After mingling around and talking to people, I settled down with Niki and Teigan on a blanket. Teigan had gone to an early dinner with Rocco hours earlier, and she was still fretting about the talk they'd had.

  "I don't trust him. At all," she said, knotting her hair into a bun.

  "But why?" I asked. Rocco seemed as obsessed with Teigan as she did with him.

  "C'mon, you know how it's been," she said, shaking her head. "We've been on and off forever. Why would he stay faithful to me when he's surrounded by tons of willing, legal pussy?"

  "Ew, Teigan," said Niki, making a face. “Jeez.”

  I snickered. Teig always been rough around the edges, but spending time with Rocco Nolan over the summer had definitely vulgarized her vocabulary.

  "So, what—is he coming up for your birthday, then?" I asked.

  Teigan sighed, a little dramatically. "For what?"

  "To de-virginize you," Niki said, very matter of fact.

  "Oh, he did that today."

  One look at Niki's expression told me she felt the exact same way. "Um...what? When were you gonna tell us?"

  "Tonight," sniffled Teigan.

  "Do you regret it?" Niki asked.

  Teigan shook her head slowly. A small smile grew on her lips, and her eyes met mine before darting away. I glanced up the beach to where Rocco was sitting with two other guys. Quietly. He did look a little subdued, now that I thought about it. What had they been thinking? I pitied them.

  I envied them.

  "I'm being stupid, whatever," Teigan said suddenly.

  "No, you're not," I said, stroking her hair. It had gotten lighter over the summer, shot through with faint streaks of pink, and longer now than it had ever been. I didn't think she was being stupid, but I had to wonder why she'd finally give it up to Rocco right when he was leaving. Oh, I could understand the parallels between her situation and mine of a few months before, but that's exactly why I hadn't had sex with Skyler. My heart wouldn't have been able to take it.

  Then again though, Teigan and Rocco could still technically see each other, even if the circumstances were less than ideal. It would be interesting to observe them over the course of the year, to see if they drifted apart or managed to maintain their version of a long-distance relationship.

  "Did it hurt?" I asked, unable to resist.

  Teigan nodded. "But it actually wasn't as bad as I'd expected. I mean, yes. It hurt. But...he's good." She laughed a little, covering her cheeks.

  Seeing Teig this way was nuts. "So you love him," I said, prying her hands away.

  "I've always loved that fool."

  We were silent awhile. I could never be like Teigan, nor did I necessarily want to be, but I admired her toughness. She knew her boundaries, and while they were a lot more liberal than mine—physically and emotionally—she seemed to stick to them.

  But then she shook her head. “I knew it was gonna be like this," she said glumly, sifting sand through her fingers. "I knew it."

  “So why'd you do it?" I asked, taking a long sip of cider. That was our new thing; it was sweeter than beer. Kai had brought a six-pack of Woodchuck, knowing we preferred it.

  "Everything just feels really real now because he's leaving tomorrow. I was putting it off, in a way. We both were."

  "Which is normal," I said, tapping her knee.

  "I guess."

  "Are you going to keep in touch?"

  Teigan looked at me, her blue eyes glinting violet in the dusky light. "You k
now how that goes, Rory."

  Rocco's party never got too wild, thankfully. It mellowed into a chill get-together with a lot of smoking and quiet conversation. Teigan wandered back over to Rocco. I watched them for a minute, noticing how close they'd gotten. I'd never seen Teigan so gentle and soft and...in love. It was weird. She was good at keeping her feelings under wraps, but if there was one guy who'd broken through, it was Rocco.

  I was still a little shocked she'd actually done it with him, but Teigan had always been a lot older than her age. Maybe it wasn't that surprising. Plus, she'd been seeing him forever. They'd started up back when Skyler and I did. My heart clenched. I didn't want to go down that road. I didn't want to think about how long it would've been for Skyler and me had he stayed.

  Kai ambled by, arm slung around the girl of the week. “Hey, Rory,” he sang, offering me a joint, but I wasn't in the mood, so I passed.

  Down at the water's edge, I rolled up my jeans and let the waves wash over my feet. The sky was stark and pristine, curiously free of clouds. I recognized several constellations, their names and stories at the edges of my mind. I wondered if Skyler could see the stars well from where he was. I imagined he probably could.

  All of a sudden my view was obscured as heavy, gray clouds rolled in, lit silver by the moon. The wind blew steadily harder, reminding everyone that the storm was coming. I turned to yell to the girls, but the first droplets of rain hit before I could.

  I turned sixteen on a muggy, overcast day in September. At least it fell on a Friday this time.

  My mom got super sentimental and wanted to throw a party for me on Saturday. I kind of wanted one, too. I was tired of feeling dull and lackluster, like I was forever waiting for something.

  Luz Peña, perpetual saint of celebration, jumped on the band wagon immediately. She made me the dreamiest cake: an explosion of pinks and pastels so pretty it felt like a shame to eat it. It was no secret I was a bona fide frosting lover, and her three-tier confection didn't disappoint. A bunch of my girlfriends showed up, and a handful of the guys came, too. I wore a dress that made me feel beautiful, and I wore it without shoes because it was my backyard, and I could if I wanted to.